insecurities

Oshrat thinks she's rubbing off on me- and not in a good way. I told her not to worry, it would take a lot for her to make me worse. I am still going through that phase where i just cant seem to take life seriously- or rather, i dont want to. Subconsciously my mind is saying "you've overworked me enough, just let me be and have fun kiddo", and that's exactly what i've been doing for 2 months. Sure i'm still keeping up with my major responsibilities, but other than that i've just chasing dreams; Sleeping, enjoying breakfasts (when did i ever used to eat breakfast?) workout and take long showers (i lost 8 pounds!), and best of all, spend time with E. We're so different in certain things, and yet it just feels so good being with him. I really hope it's more than lust. I think it is. He just makes me feel so... healed after everything. He doesnt talk much, but he listens and let's me know that i'm not alone- which is just what i need right now. It may not be security what we have, but what is secure in life? Not friendships, engagements, marriages, money, or even life. So i just close my eyes, take in his unique smell of some honey scotch, gum, and faint trace of smoke, and let him hold me tight.

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
Had i the heavens' embroidered cloths
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But i, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
-W.B. Yeats 

jump rope

at first i thought i'd keep up a steady blogging pace, posting at least once a week. That seems to have failed... Life is like jump rope, you're either trying to jump in, staying in the game, or taking a breather outside of the game. The past few weeks i feel as though i've been vigorously jumping rope (hence the lack of posts). Even now i don't have much time to write anything, life has been hectic- a good hectic. Filled with lots of fun and outings, costume making, and drunk dialings. Gotta love those drunk dialers after a night of drinking on st paddy's day ;)

Alors On Danse

Tonight i went to watch my brother's football game. I feel like this will probably go down in my mind as one of those really memorable family outings, where no one is fighting and everyone's having a good time together.
On the way there Gabe told me that they usually take people from the stands to "hold the flags". What this meant exactly, i didn't know, but it sounded like fun so when we got to the field i went to ask the guy in charge if i could "hold the flag" (believe it or not this did not sound as stupid in my head as it probably does to you reading it). The guy looked at me confused and then this other guy turns around saying "i think she means the chains". That's when i recognized him. Turns out i went out with this guy a year ago. My brothers laughed at me afterward, saying that i really need to stop going out so much. Anyway, back to the story, he recognizes me, laughs at my lack of sports knowledge, then lets me be part of the game. It was an amazing experience being out there on the field (save for my ex calling out to me from the announcer's hut telling me what to do). It almost made me want to take up sports. Almost. My brother joked that i got more action that game than he did. In the end my brother's team won 36-6.  
Now before i leave off for the night, i just want to mention my new obsession over Stromae, a Belgian music artist who is just brilliant in my opinion. Watch this music video- I love the meaning. 

                          

chopsticks

my nail polish matches!

As much as i was looking forward to the Sakura festival, i must say that i enjoyed the International book fair a lot more. Walking in and seeing the abundance of books, booths and free stuff made me feel like a little girl in a candy store :) My friend decided to join me even though he complained to the security guards there that i forced him to come :p. Silly men and their egos. I bought 2 Murakami books and one on poetry. Then we just browsed around the foreign book sections; German, Russian, Spanish, and French (they had Martine! and two beautifully illustrated but depressing mangas). In the Russian section we passed by a Japanese booth which seemed out of place so we stopped to talk to the salespeople. Turns out that this russian man learnt Japanese and wrote poetry that was later translated into English and Russian. Ay read one poem out loud about a man's loneliness after seeing a single chopstick. Ay thought it was stupid but i didnt want to offend the old man so i tried defending the piece- which resulted in Ay deciding to send me off to Japan. When the man's daughter heard this, she piped up "Don't do that! if you send her away, you'll be a lonely chopstick!" lol On our way out, the Russian man ran over to us to give me a free pin saying "For you because you love Japan"
I love nice people :)

aloha

The more i think about moving to Hawaii, the more appealing it seems. I just spoke to a friend of mine who told me i needed a vacation. I told him that was impossible. I have college courses, teaching, tutoring, family and a messy break up to deal with. There's no way i can leave it all, I'd just feel like i was running away from responsibility and that's not something that sits well with me. He still thinks i need a break. That i should stop caring so much about what people think and just be. I got to admit- that sounds nice. Very nice. But realistically speaking, public opinion does matter to a certain point. I think people would be quite different if there were no consequences to people's actions. I could leave everything now, but it wouldn't be fair to leave things for others to deal with, and i can't just put my degree on hold. So for now it looks like I'll have to say goodbye to grass skirts and coconut bras. I'd love to revisit that idea later on, but for now it looks like i'll have to let loose some other way. My friend is suggesting streaking on the beach next Sunday when he comes back from the army. I'll see how I'm feeling then.

thank gd for weekends

I think i'm loosing my ambition -if i ever had any to begin with that is. Maybe it's because of the crazy workload, my obnoxious students, or the state of my dating life (or all of the above). Whichever it is, the result is the same. I wake up in the mornings feeling no need to leave my bed. I repeatedly press the snooze button and curl up deeper into my pile of blankets till i'm forced to venture off into the cold of the early morning hours.
Why would anyone want to be a teacher? I vaguely remember a more naive version of myself saying that teaching would be so gratifying and wonderful. That was obviously before i started teaching... Although i must say that there are some perks; free coffee and good hours <3 But now it's Thursday night. I don't have to think about grammar lessons, homework, or cold bus rides till Saturday night. It's the weekend and i'm going to live it to the fullest :)